Ugly Side of Unconditional
I have been harboring guilt. My emotional state has recently gone through a transformation that has me on the fence about the different types of love. On whether or not I have the capacity to give the purest forms of love to people who hurt me, guilty because ... well, why do they deserve a love they cant give. I'm used to unhealthy, sacrificial, romantic love, that puts the needs of my partner before my own because I base too much of my worth on their happiness. At least that was my previous experience with love, before I became kind of bitter towards "real love" and closed my heart off in fear. That was six years ago, when dating was still new territory for me and I didn't know how to give myself grace when I made mistakes.
I thought I was slowly going to ease back into the dating game, when unconditional love shook my spirit this year.
As someone who loves astrology, imagine someone who's identity, feelings and thoughts are in Pisces, like bro that's enough emotion for an army ... we gotta put conditions on that.
So let's breakdown the basis of this guilty love...
I underwent a spiritual expansion this year. A reckoning I was not expecting. I've been woke for a minute but being awakened felt like a blanket got pulled off my brain and exposed a magnetic field right under my scalp that was hidden to me, because it could only be revealed by the Heavens. Not long after this awakening, I ascended into my discipleship as a general for God. I entered a state of agape. I expanded from someone who was removed from love for years after abuse, to feeling a pureness of love in my spirit. It's like an "I love you because God wants me to, not out of obligation, but out of obedience in the Spirit and from a position that bows to the will of God as I surrender my heart for Heaven's needs..." kind of love. To be honest, I didn't think this was a state I could reach.
It's so much more different than "love thy neighbor as thyself". That is more of a human obligation, thats necessary to understand the human condition and that we are all equal and deserve the same equity as one another. Agape is a type of unconditional love that says, "my spirit is here for you. I want you to feel a form of God on Earth. I cannot be God so I'll show you my heart in such a way, you'll never be able to deny God or the god in you". This is a love felt only in the spirit, because it's godly truth. I feel it on assignment, as in, when God sends me in to heal people, this is what I lead with. The other types of love are much more controlled in terms of access cause you know folks will try it.
Romantic love is some shit, especially when folks have done the most of the worse, to the point their best can't make things better. Years of therapy and logic tells me that a manipulating, gaslighting, cheating, lying, shallow, inconsiderate gossip, is an automatic fuck no as a friend, let alone lover.
Like girl get yo ass on. Girl get that ass gone. There are no but's about this btw. There is never a good reason to stay in an abusive situation (Your inability to see yourself as worthy or uncomfortable financially is a good reason for therapy not continued trauma. Respectfully.). Personally, I love love. So true love to me, shouldn't need multiple chances to get it right, right? Can people really make such a radical change in their character, that I could love them unguardedly?
Like think about the types of people who travel the world having frivolous sex in different countries, without protection, and what that says about the way they value health and responsibility. What about the types of people who decide the physical appearance of a person should decide their worthiness and what that says about their integrity. And the people who's narcissism and gossip leave the people closest to them vulnerable, do they value protection and safety? Can someone who's already spread themselves so thin with the residue of the fast life really be dependable and selfless? These questions are not meant to judge, they are meant to address the redeemability of romantic love. If you meet someone who decides they are ready to settle down because quantity has run them ragged, how can you expect a quality relationship?
Now acceptance and forgiveness are also necessary values, do not get me wrong. I'm just wondering how this love can still be true. How can you still build a solid foundation with the knowing that your lot was just the only one big enough to place their debris. Am I being unrealistic in wanting a foundation worthy of a fairytale? In something crafted just for me? In a partner who isn't just building here as a safe choice. I don't know about you, but that sounds more like a business proposal than an undeniable love. Marriage is a legal contract, I get that... is real love just so secondary to "sound decisions"?
It's almost like my spiritual and mental states are clashing and I'm trying to find a middle-ground that respects my spiritual and physical experience.
Of course, we all have free will. I am in service to the Heavens as a healer. Usually, I do that with my emotional and mental states. I've recently experienced God healing through God activating unconditional love within me. To bring healing into a partnership by surrendering to my heart and the direction divinity has me headed. To pay no mind to the debris and all the lots that were seen before mine, to craft a foundation free of trivial things because all things will be made new and miraculous when God is the manufacturer.
So I feel. So I activated my unconditional.
But I feel guilty because I can't tell if I'm doing it for God or myself. Except I'm an extension of God... Then I wonder if my ascension didn't get high enough for this level of enlightenment. Except God makes no mistakes. So maybe this is just a test of free will and how I have the choice on the direction I take after unconditional love has fostered the healing needed.
Follow me, I'm going somewhere here... when unconditional is the foundation and the past has been revealed in it's entirety ... your truth is in the choice you make for romantic vs platonic love. Then maybe the true test of enlightenment is whether I will let the idea of romantic love cause an imbalance in my human capacity. I felt my kundalini energy rise while writing that last sentence... no cap. Somehow, this is leading me to identity. I am in service to the Spirit. I am human in design. I can decide whether to extend love beyond what is necessary to heal the people of God... because when I honor myself, I honor God. It's going to take me a minute to digest this... but maybe this means there is no need to feel guilty for honestly questioning my own limits especially because the goal is a healthy love, no matter which level you operate on.
Right now, I'm going to honor my body's need for rest. It's 3am, If you see this before I wake up and proofread, you a real one.
*First proofread complete. I know I'll need a second one lol.